pouring.

2009-08-02T16:26:00.005-04:00

i couldn't sleep last night, i'm not exactly sure why. i wrote a little bit in my journal, thinking that would help (and what i wrote i actually like...) but i didn't fall asleep for at least another half hour-ish. everything was racing in my head, and i think that it might be because i took a diet pill around 6:00 and even though it was 11:30pm, the energy effect had yet to wear off.

nothing is going on today, my parents have gone to a nascar race and i'm home with my little brother. the nascar race makes our family sound very... well, there's no nice way to say redneck, but we aren't. it's amusing actually: my father makes a ridiculous amount of money (i have no idea how much, he refuses to tell anyone but my mother) and abhores most things low class but he loves nascar. i have no idea why but he always has. obviously, i hate it- there's no point to watching cars go round and round a track for two hours.

i'm watching legally blonde and it's reminded me of the fact that i have always wanted to go to an ivy league school. probably just like every other overachieving, perfectionist student who wants to find a place where other people take academics so seriously but it's never going to be possible for me to go to one, at least for undergraduate studies. the school i'm going to now is already $36,000 a year and the only reason my parents can afford it is because i'm on a scholarship that covers a quarter of that a year. i suppose harvard and yale are always there for graduate school. or oxford, which would be even better. to get away from america and americans in general? amazing.

7:14pm

i realized that i am pretty sick of seeing advertisements that show women in only a sexual manner, or only how attractive they are in terms of their breasts, asses or in terms of their weight. and most men would laugh at that statement, thinking my defense is going to come in terms of, "it's derogatory to women, it demeans them, it makes them into sexual objects, ect., ect."

that's not why i'm sick of it. there's nothing wrong with showing people in a sexual manner- that's what attracts people, right? i'm not gonna lie, i stare more at ads that have shirtless men, nice looking men or muscled men. i'm sure that men pay more attention to adverts or pictures that have women who are attractive or half naked.

but attractive women do not just come in one size. pretty or beautiful women are not just a size 2, a size 0, with tiny waists, huge boobs and skinny legs the size of a normal woman's arm. they don't show off their breasts all the time and they most certainly do not have breasts that can stand at attention without a push up bra, unless they have had huge balloon implants. their collarbones do not stick out three inches from their shoulders, somehow supporting said huge boobs or, showing off how they have no breasts at all, in conjunction with biceps that can wear watches, thighs that you can fit one hand around and a neck that teeters with the weight of their head.

advertisements now, give women such a false sense of reality that it is ridiculous. and you might say, "i don't pay attention to the media, i don't care and no one else should" but is it really that easy? you can't tell me that you don't know the smallest size abercombie carries or that michael kors prefers models who are svelte rather than normal; that the breast size preferred in most adverts is either huge- or nonexistent and if a model has little breasts, then she is a stick; or the majority of ads, magazine or tv, show women who look little to nothing like the majority of women that you personally know.

now if you subconsciously pay attention to all of that and you profess that you "don't care," can you imagine how it affects women who start out somewhat caring, but then somehow end up over a toilet after dinner, or wearing a hoodie in 90 degree weather, because they're so thin that they have no body fat whatsoever? or just the woman who pretends that she loves how she looks, projects such confidence but if you really asked how she feels, really paid attention, you'd realize that she thinks all of her self worth rides on her appearance and she thinks that she just isn't good enough?

ads, any type of ad, tv shows, anything, NEED more reality in them. the reality of life is that the majority of women are above a size 4, that they aren't reed thin or have enormous breasts with barbie bodies. so why does everything else about our society project some alternate reality? we can change that, if we really want. so pay attention to how you really feel; or to how your daughters, sisters, friends act about themselves- do they love how they look? do they have an air of confidence with occasional feelings of doubt and insecurity? or is their reality one of always feeling insecure, with the rare time of confidence? think about how you want them to feel, how you want to feel- and what needs to change for that to happen, and happen permanently.

first.

2009-07-31T23:45:00.004-04:00

over the last two or so years, i've probably had more than five blogs. i start them, then stop because they either turn into something that i can't continue or i feel guilty for starting them in the first place and so i stop. i'm going to hope and try to continue this one no matter what i begin to feel about it.

so intros are needed, considering i'm not just typing to myself here but also because talking about myself sort of helps me figure out things going on right now. i'm 19, female, student. i'm double majoring in english lit and anthropology, double minoring in peace studies and french. my nickname from my college friends is overachiever- ten points if you can guess why (obvious hint: read. the. previous. sentence). my parents have been married for something like twenty five years and i have two younger brothers, sixteen and fourteen. i love college- and no, not just because the song describes what my life at school is sometimes like. i love college because i was ready for college when i was sixteen and i love academia (nerd alert), to an extent. but i also love, like any self professed student, drinking, partying and waking up the morning after and thinking "what the fuck did i say/do/throw up last night?"

in addition to being a college student, eldest daughter and closet dork, i have another part to me that i have been grappling with for over three years. i have an eating disorder. when i was sixteen, i was diagnosed with anorexia. when i was seventeen, i was hospitalized at 110lbs and then released when i gained back enough weight. i have been in theray since 2006. this december, i became bulimic and then that morphed into exercise bulimia, which has now become EDNOS because i cannot find my willpower to starve, nor the desire to purge all my food.

i probably sound really matter of fact about this but that's because i've been dealing with it for awhile. it probably sounds ridiculous to most people but my ED, as much as i hate to admit it, has become my security blanket at times. but it's not like i have some dehibiliating excuse as to why i have an ED- no, really it's not that complicated.

i hate my body. always have.

i hate my stomach, my thighs, my breasts, my arms, my ankles, my wrists, my butt, my collarbone, my neck, my jawline... i could go on until i name every part possible. sad, right? i know. i'm a perfectionist, all or nothing, and it's reflected onto my body. honestly, i never think i look good enough. ever. at 110lbs, i told my therapist i needed more toning on my hips and thighs, even though my BMI was at 18.3 or something around there. technically emaciated. now? i think that i need everything to shrink, even though my nutritionist just told me that i'm at my perfect weight, my BMI is 22.4 which is the healthiest area to be in and that i don't need lose or gain weight.

ha yeah right. i wish i could believe it- but i don't.

my life... it's normal. i think? i really couldn't imagine not having all these thoughts. well... some days i don't have such big problems with myself and that's when i get a glimpse of what i could be like.

welcome to my struggle. my life. my... yeah, i'm out of cliches.

too many pieces.

pouring.

first.